The new requirement by the Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) that players speak English within two years is intriguing, but way too limited a requirement. Why stop at English? I have the following modest proposal. I think the LPGA should require all of its players to pass a test of American History and be conversant in subjects ranging from Title VII of the Civil Rights Act to the Japanese American internment. Women golf players should also be tested on their knowledge of physics, particularly in how much force is needed to strike a little white ball and drive it hundreds of yards. Because golfers are busy people, a multiple choice test would suffice.
The LPGA should also ban accents and direct players to achieve the “Stepford Wives” look. Remember, it’s better to look good and sound good, rather than be good in golf, which is of course a secondary consideration. To help its more disadvantaged players, the LPGA can provide monetary grants for those who don’t have blond hair and blue eyes to go through procedures that will change hair color and eye color. A little plastic surgery might be helpful as well. I heartily commend the LPGA for taking professional golfing to the next level, where how you talk and look matters more than how well you play.
To help the LPGA achieve its lofty goals, I intend to ask the LPGA to institute the full complement of reforms identified above by the end of this year. Otherwise, I will bring a bill next legislative session banning LPGA tournaments from occurring in California. After all, we can’t have people playing golf if they can’t say “fore” or “watch your head” or say things in ads like “I prefer Bud Light.” (We’ll conveniently ignore the fact that Bud Light will be owned by a foreign Belgian company).
Ted W. Lieu represents the 53rd Assembly District which includes El Segundo, Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Torrance, Lomita, Marina Del Rey, and portions of the City of Los Angeles.